Why Should I Be a Magical Girl? I'm Overworked As It Is! — Chapter 13: Not a Raccoon

“…Carmen.” Maya’s voice went very flat. “Why is there a raccoon under your bed?”

Maya’s head was low to the ground as she stared at a black-and-white shape that was attempting, and failing, to be part of a shirt.

“I wouldn’t have a raccoon under my bed!”

Shuli sneezed three times in a row, then let out a series of rhythmic retching noises. 

Maya scrambled back, nearly toppling over, and pointed. “It’s sick. Carmen, it’s alive and it’s sick, why is a sick raccoon living under your—”

Shuli dragged herself out from under the flat sheet overhang, gagging. She coughed up a hairball mixed with bits of string all over Carmen’s fake wood flooring. She lay dazed on the floor, defeated by the fumes of Carmen’s clothing.

Maya’s mouth fell open.

“That’s… a cat.”

“She’s not a raccoon,” Carmen said with weary exhaustion. She knew she was in trouble.

“You said she was a stray! You said she just hangs around outside!” Maya rounded on her. “You hid her under your bed, Carmen. With your dirty laundry. Which, by the way, smells like Max’s Burgers is operating from there.”

“She likes it under there,” Carmen rebutted.

Shuli’s dead unblinking stare could have stripped paint.

Maya crouched down and reached a slow hand toward Shuli. “Hello,” she said, softer than what she spoke to Carmen with, like she was talking to an injured animal in need of rescuing. “Oh, you’re soft, aren’t you? Yes, you are. And so pretty. We have the same eye color. Yours are more colorful though.”

Maya scratched Shuli’s ear, who started purring. “Such a good kitty. What beautiful fur you have. Oh, there’s even a cute heart shape on you, that makes you special, doesn’t it?”

“She doesn’t have—oh. She does.”

Maya ignored Carmen. “What’s your name, sweet girl?”

All that could be heard was Shuli’s purring.

“She doesn’t have one,” Carmen squeaked.

Shuli’s ears flattened, but she didn’t say anything. Carmen was choosing to count it as a win.

“She doesn’t have a name,” Maya repeated with fire in her eyes. “You’ve had this cat hidden in your apartment for who knows how long, lying to my face about it, and you haven’t even given her a name, but you got her a bowtie and a monocle.”

“She came that way. I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what? Killing Petunia?”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, you know what’s not fair?” Maya stood up, glowering. Her hands were on her hips.

Carmen braced herself for the lecture she knew was going to hit her right in the heart, as Maya’s speeches often did.

“What’s not fair is me finding out you’ve had a whole secret cat by accident. I’m not your landlord, Carmen. I’m your friend. I have your back. I—” She stopped, pressed her lips together. “I tell you everything. My worries, my fears, my dreams, embarrassing moments, you know me. I bring you snacks and I worry about you, and this whole time you had a cat you never once mentioned, and a job you’re avoiding telling me about, yeah, I noticed, the fact that you chose to read and dissociate to put off sending me a simple text. I don’t get it. Why would you lie to me?”

“You know what?” Carmen said. “Screw it. I’m not ruining us over this stupid thing. It’s that it’s not just a cat, and I didn’t know how to say that without you thinking I’d finally lost it.”

Shuli panicked and started pawing at Carmen’s legs, shaking her head no. Neither girl looked at her.

“So you thought lying was better?”

“I thought lying was easier because I didn’t want to drag you into this mess until I figured out how to get myself out of it so we can laugh about it and question my sanity together.”

Maya tilted her head. “So…”

“Maya. This is the talking cat I told you about. Her name is Shuli. I didn’t choose it, that’s what she told me.”

Maya’s eyes followed Carmen’s finger, which was pointing straight to Shuli, then back to Carmen, unconvinced.

“That’s…the cat.”

“Yes.”

“You told me it talked.”

“She does.”

Carmen scooped Shuli up and held her level with Maya’s face.

“Speak,” Carmen said. 

Shuli stared at Maya. Maya stared at Shuli.

“Speak,” Carmen repeated, with menace.

“Meow,” Shuli said, in a cute high-pitched tone that made her sound like a kitten.

There was a long silence.

Maya reached over and firmly took the cat out of Carmen’s hands.

“Okay,” she said, backing away slowly, cradling Shuli protectively against her chest. Shuli immediately began purring, treacherously content. “Are you… on drugs?”

Carmen made a face.

Maya backtracked. “I mean, I think you need to get more sleep. Maybe you’re confusing your dreams and reality, that can sometimes happen when you’re tired. I can take care of her in the meantime for you. Relieve you of the burden of taking care of her.”

Maya stroked Shuli’s head, who leaned into it. Shuli’s expression showed her thoughts, which were that this was exactly the treatment she’d deserved all along and hadn’t been getting.

“Can you tell me what this third job is? I’m worried you’re overreaching.”

“Maya, I’m not hallucinating. Remember the cat fur at the restaurant? That was her. She’d been following me. She can go invisible. That’s the whole reason nobody has seen her and why Marvin couldn’t figure out how there was a cat in the restaurant. She’s stuck visible because she’s been using it too much. I don’t fully get it either. And yes, she can talk. Really talk. Full sentences with way too many opinions. She’s faking not being able to talk because she doesn’t want me to reveal their secret society of talking animals to non-chosen people.”

Shuli, still cradled in Maya’s arms, opened her mouth as if she might defend herself on that last point.

“And the Weed-B-Gone,” Carmen continued. “The giant plant monster. The person who defeated it, that was me. She—” Carmen jabbed a finger at Shuli “—has been trying to get me to use that pink wand I told you about, to fight them. I wasn’t going to get involved until I saw it heading towards Max’s and Shuli reminded me that you were working there. I don’t want to be involved in that mess that’s been going on. I’ve been telling her to go away and choose someone else.”

Maya stopped petting Shuli, who had gone rigid.

“Oh. That makes sense. Because the Weed-B-Gone, yeah, that lined up. And the cat at the restaurant… there was fur everywhere. And I saw the videos. I knew it was you. I recognized the Weed-B-Gone and that hunched posture. I’d know it anywhere. I came here hoping you’d tell me about it, I thought that’s what you were hiding, but then I saw Petunia and the cat… and if a plant monster is real, then it wouldn’t be farfetched to think—”

Her eyes snapped down to Shuli.

“—why wouldn’t a talking cat be real.”

Maya gasped. She put Shuli down, then took a step forward, right up next to Carmen, putting herself on Carmen’s side of the room.

Shuli stared up at both of them wide-eyed.

Maya pivoted, hid behind Carmen, and pointed dramatically down at Shuli.

“You’re an evil cat. You made me think Carmen was on drugs—I’m sorry, Carmen.”

Maya sniffed, eyes teary.

Carmen replied, “It’s alright, I’d jump to that conclusion too.”

Maya turned back to Shuli.

“You’re trying to break up best friends with lies and secrecy! Don’t you know magical girls need a friend by their side for their mental health?! Don’t you watch anime? The way to Carmen’s heart isn’t manipulation. If you want a magical girl, go get one that isn’t overworked, leave my Carmen alone, you big friendship-disrespecting bully cat.”